Lawyer Jokes

Back to Articles Index

There's a high-priced lawyer, a low-priced lawyer and a toothfairy in a room with a $100 bill on the table. The lights go off and when they come back on, the $100 bill is gone. Who has it?
The high-priced lawyer. The other two are a figment of your imagination.

A lawyer is a person who helps you get what's coming to him.

Scientists are now using lawyers in the place of laboratory mice.
Lawyers are more plentiful, they will do things that mice refuse to, there is no public outcry, and the scientists do not get attached to them. But, it's sometimes hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Each has a one in a billion chance of becoming a human being.

It was so cold the other day that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

What is the difference between "unlawful" and "illegal"?
Unlawful means against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scum-sucking scavenger and the other is just a fish.

What do you need when if you have 500 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Another foot of sand.

There is a lot of injustice in this world, and its a lawyer's job to profit from that.

Client: Do you have any criminal lawyers in your office?
Lawyer: Nobody's been able to prove it yet.

A lawyer makes his living from the sweat of his browbeating.

Two men are walking though a cemetary. They see a gravestone that says "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."
One turns to the other and says "Why do you think they buried them together?"

Saint Peter and the Devil are arguing about who should fix the fence that separates Heaven and Hell.
St. Peter says "You broke it and you should fix it. If you don't, I'll get a lawyer and sue you."
The Devil replies "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

A housewife, an accountant, and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "4".
The accountant says: "I think it is either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls down the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice: "How much do you want it to be?"

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40?
Your Honour.

What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

A man calls up his lawyer and says "I've only got $100 left in the world and I'm in a heap of trouble. If I give it to you will you answer three questions for me?"
The lawyer replies "Sure, what's the second question?"

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defence lawyer.

Why do they bury lawyers 30 feet down?
Deep down they are really nice.

Back to Articles Index